Unexplainable.

Sometimes I wish I was just a complex individual, you know? Ideally I'd get angry if my food gets cold, drink too much and then not be able to handle myself, have this weird-ass OCD about how every water bottle in my refrigerator should be filled up to the rim at all times, but then I'd go to sleep with the same amount of anger and frustration every-night, not feel any sort of joy, definitely no form of love and my frustration would grow manifolds in the days to come. The emotions that I would feel would be a specific wavelenght and a spectrum of primary colours only. Life would've been much much easier, Oh! Yes. I would've loved to hate, been perfectly bitchy and not give a rat's ass about hurting people's "emotions". Be Mrs. Havisham, of sorts. A spear headed approach towards life. But sadly, I'm none of this. I'm much more and much less than "complex".

I nurse my wounds until they heal properly, without caring if it'll take years or millenniums. I hate tea but I like smell of it, I love the colour black and worship whites, I can be sitting all teary eyed in front you talking about what I've lost in this life and then appear to be completely love struck in another second when you bring up the topic of what my cutie's been saying. I've lost a lot of things and a lot of experiences in this life and I now feel the need for confirmation of sorts that I have all my material possessions right where I left them,its irrelevant and I'm not going to justify it. People,on the other hand, I've come to realise in the long run, are different, they don't stay where you leave them, they don't necessarily agree with what you say or provide you with any sort of validation that they'll always be there for you, but what I have known is that, if you are lucky,they will respect all you have shared with them and stay. They will listen to you when you're flipping out over nothing at all, trying to soothe you and get you to sleep; on other days they will stay up with you for hours at a stretch and help you be a verbal bulimic because they know it's for the greater good, they will accompany you to a whole string of pharmacies because you can't find that specific ointment that's been prescribed to you and not make a face about it. They will hold your hand when you're getting your vaccinations and then later, take you out for a McDonald's drive-thru,sit in a shady place while you gulp down your food and sing-along with Maroon5 in a hoarse tone, which should be a punishable offence. They'll let you rant away to glory when you're buzzed. They will give you the liberty to misunderstand them and probably shout at them if you have a bad day and you're over-worked and under-appreciated and scorn at your vocabulary from time to time ("What kind of a word is fab? I will disown you they next time you say it!") They will kick-ass with you when you have to and kick your ass when you need it. People, my lovely, become so much more than just flesh and bones or a physical presence. They become a part of your consciousness and they become an idea. They start living with you, through you. And one day you'll find yourself looking back and trying to remember what it was like, when they were not a part of your life.

And I guess that's how I convince myself that being scattered and dangerously nebulous is not that bad a thing after all. You get so much in return.

Things I want.

I’m not really the demanding type; I don’t stand up randomly in a room full of people and start quoting the preamble and demand things that I ‘think’ I’m entitled to. No, I’m not that person. But I do feel like absolute shit sometimes and then I gather myself up and go to my happy place, it’s a mental exercise that I started doing when Remus Lupin taught Harry Potter how to conjure a Patronus charm, it is instantly reminds me of all the things I’m thankful for and All the things that I want out of life. We live in an overly material and technological world. Feelings don’t really mean anything unless you’re sure that the other person will reciprocate. You’re even scared to make friends with people let alone “let your heart sing” in front of them. You’re constantly scared of being judged, scrutinised or patronised. The hypocrites have gotten to you; admit it and I don’t know about you but I ABSOLUTELY hate it. I hate not being able to talk freely or sing even though I sound like a whale under water when I do that because “What will someone say if they hear me?” I hate that people around me have walls and I have with me only a small hammer to break them with. It’s annoying and tiring and completely irrelevant.

 Anyway, enough of the inconspicuous bantering, let’s focus of the things that I want:

•       I want vulnerable people, like me, around me, who find their strengths in their flaws, who know that they’re standing at the edge of the cliff and they’re still a power house.
•          I want to go on random walks with people, talk about  things that matter to me and matter to them, get some ice-cream maybe and not feel judged or alone or like a sociopath who is talking you on a walk through a dark road and forcing ice-cream eating rituals on you. Nope.
•          I want freedom of speech and people, who understand what I’m saying, completely understand it and probably call out on my bullshit if I’m flinging any at them.
•          I want geeks in my life who get the most boring and slow joke that I make (And let me just tell you that I make a lot of them) and probably retort back with something even more pathetic, slow and loser-faced, desperately.
•          I want to not receive crap instead of a nod or a head shake when I tell people that I don’t melt to them ground with cries of “AWWWWWWW” when I see babies or kittens or a dog with 3 legs that can’t walk properly. I respect all beings of this world but I don’t love every one of them. No, this does not classify me as the spawn of Satan, please check your basics.
•          I want people around me to understand some basic concepts like rejection or failure and develop a radical point of view and personal interpretation for these things and not follow the herd. You are a different person; the person you’re dealing with is a different person. Stop being so hard on everyone.
•          I want books to not leave me feeling so shitty and vulnerable that I cry when the Magus finds out that Brida will never realise that she’s his soul mate. (Seriously, why so corny, Paulo? WHY?)
•          I want to associate a little less with every character that I write about because a split personality disorder is not what I’m looking for at the moment, maybe it will be something that I’d like when I’m 80 years old, Oh!What fun!
•          I want people to understand the intensity of my emotions before I end up crying or shouting or doing anything that is physically indicative towards my state of mind. I cut you some slack before you ask for it, don’t stretch it.
•       I want people to respond to what I write the randomest of people. I want you to know that no matter WHO YOU ARE I will always appreciate you telling me that you sometimes feel the same way that I do or add something to it or tell me that I’m over-reacting. To all the judgemental people who’re reading this – Please save your breath and energy, I've already judged myself for this and oh YOU ARE NO LESS.
•          I also almost always want a hug on days like these. Don’t ask me, I will always deny it. Just give me one.

For your darkest night.

Your thought process is moving in circles. You've advocated both sides of the case, like the thorough critic that you are and you've made some long-term decisions, you hope you an stick to them,
You know that the coming months are going to be cold and morose don't you?

You stand at the cross path, checking and double checking your decision, trying to figure out a loophole, a way out of the mess, an escape route, but there is none. The inevitable is coming for you and you need to steady yourself.  You wait, take a deep breath and plunge yourself in the depth of the unknown.
Depth, my dear, of all kinds.
Depths that humans are afraid of and only few brave.
I hope you believe in yourself till the very end. We need to hear from someone who's made it through.
I'll hold up my drink to you, to your courage, your fears and everything else that lies inside your kingdom of becoming.
Every night I will say my prayers and I will wish for you to make it through. You will be in the back of my head every time I talk or preach of bravery.
You will be the sole flame I will claim to have witnessed, a flame so pure that even the tides of time could not extinguish it. I will live with the knowledge that I have observed divinity, shared a meal with it, laughed with it and lived with it.
Your fire will live on with me.
Your fire will live on in me.
Your fire,my lovely, will live on through me.
Godspeed.
 

A letter for you.

Short unfinished poems seem to get me going these days, I strongly hope you feel the same.

I put out a letter for you
I put it out, in hope, that maybe, you'll stop by and read it sometime.
The letter has all the wonderful and disastrous things I feel.
I put out a letter for you,in hope that you will not judge me.

If you read this letter it will remind you of all the warmth and desire for adventure that you possesed.
It will take you to the moments where you were glorious.
It'll show you all the things you held so close to your heart and the people who made up your entire universe.
Things you let go down the road in the name of growing up and getting serious.

I put a letter out for you, for your dreams and your ambitions, hoping that it will help you remember them.
I put a letter out for you, addressed to all the warmth that you used to carry with yourself hoping it will return.

I put a letter out for you.
And then I put a letter out about you, every now and then.

A glimpse.

I struggle to catch a glimpse;
When I do I can't stop,
Find myself standing on the corner shocked

I gasp and tell myself I won't do this again,
Addicted to the rush;
The feeling of being wanted just because I want it.

Run away, Run away I must
Before you walk up to me
And tell me you'd be mine.

Oh the sorrows I attract
Oh the sorrows I enjoy

I struggle to catch a glimpse,
Telling myself that this will be my last,
But when I do, I can't stop.

What makes me write?

What makes me write is the ignorance of us humans, how we put ourselves through pain when there is an easy way out, how we suffer and develop a taste for it over time, how we would rather be miserable than be ridiculously boring, how everything is pointing towards one thing yet we follow another because our heart commands it. What makes me write is the infinite pool of possibilities and how we're swimming in it,both, with-in and with-out.

Whatever you want to be is okay.

I've been meaning to write something like this for a while now, for myself and every one of us who forget that we’re only humans and that we have infinite potential to change the course of things and shape them up as we like.

Hope you’ll like it.
X

It’s okay to feel disappointed and disappointing, You don’t have to live up to other people’s expectations and they don’t have to live up to yours; all of us have to live up to our own and write our own story, obviously that involves other people being involved in this, but this shouldn't put them under pressure to be a part of something which they aren't comfortable with. You almost, always have to travel the last mile alone.

It’s okay to be skinny, It’s okay to be fat; whatever YOU want to be is okay. You don’t have to live up to the society’s expectation of how your body is supposed to be, however you want is to be is okay. Whatever gives you happiness is okay.

It’s okay to go absolute bananas and be crazy about someone, whatever you want to be is okay, It’s nobody’s business, we all have that one person in life and if we wouldn't, then life would be sad; but I’ll tell you when life will be sadder than what it is now, when you tell someone you love them just because you want to hear it from them too. You must remember, you brave and beautiful, person that there is love in possession and there is love in letting go.

It’s okay to be blunt and honest, Whatever you want to be is okay, these times are hard and they’ll love your honesty more than they’ll love your peachy-goodie answers. They will love whatever you want to be.

It’s okay to be insecure and wound up tight, whatever you want to be is okay, there’ll be a time when you’ll just learn how to move past it and then you’ll be the phoenix in the ashes. Glorious, untouched and free to make a new start.

It’s okay to feel judged and lonely, Whatever you want to feel is okay, we all feel that way at some point, you’re not alone my sweet sweet friend, but you must remember- “This too shall pass.”

It’s okay to be guilty and angry, whatever you want to be is okay, we’re all guilty around here and something always makes us angry. Whatever you want to be is just fine.

And it’s okay to feel like you can’t control things or people, feel exasperated, and feel like you’re “so-done” with people and their bullshit. Feel human. Whatever you want to be is okay.

Whatever you want to be is okay.