Unexplainable.

Sometimes I wish I was just a complex individual, you know? Ideally I'd get angry if my food gets cold, drink too much and then not be able to handle myself, have this weird-ass OCD about how every water bottle in my refrigerator should be filled up to the rim at all times, but then I'd go to sleep with the same amount of anger and frustration every-night, not feel any sort of joy, definitely no form of love and my frustration would grow manifolds in the days to come. The emotions that I would feel would be a specific wavelenght and a spectrum of primary colours only. Life would've been much much easier, Oh! Yes. I would've loved to hate, been perfectly bitchy and not give a rat's ass about hurting people's "emotions". Be Mrs. Havisham, of sorts. A spear headed approach towards life. But sadly, I'm none of this. I'm much more and much less than "complex".

I nurse my wounds until they heal properly, without caring if it'll take years or millenniums. I hate tea but I like smell of it, I love the colour black and worship whites, I can be sitting all teary eyed in front you talking about what I've lost in this life and then appear to be completely love struck in another second when you bring up the topic of what my cutie's been saying. I've lost a lot of things and a lot of experiences in this life and I now feel the need for confirmation of sorts that I have all my material possessions right where I left them,its irrelevant and I'm not going to justify it. People,on the other hand, I've come to realise in the long run, are different, they don't stay where you leave them, they don't necessarily agree with what you say or provide you with any sort of validation that they'll always be there for you, but what I have known is that, if you are lucky,they will respect all you have shared with them and stay. They will listen to you when you're flipping out over nothing at all, trying to soothe you and get you to sleep; on other days they will stay up with you for hours at a stretch and help you be a verbal bulimic because they know it's for the greater good, they will accompany you to a whole string of pharmacies because you can't find that specific ointment that's been prescribed to you and not make a face about it. They will hold your hand when you're getting your vaccinations and then later, take you out for a McDonald's drive-thru,sit in a shady place while you gulp down your food and sing-along with Maroon5 in a hoarse tone, which should be a punishable offence. They'll let you rant away to glory when you're buzzed. They will give you the liberty to misunderstand them and probably shout at them if you have a bad day and you're over-worked and under-appreciated and scorn at your vocabulary from time to time ("What kind of a word is fab? I will disown you they next time you say it!") They will kick-ass with you when you have to and kick your ass when you need it. People, my lovely, become so much more than just flesh and bones or a physical presence. They become a part of your consciousness and they become an idea. They start living with you, through you. And one day you'll find yourself looking back and trying to remember what it was like, when they were not a part of your life.

And I guess that's how I convince myself that being scattered and dangerously nebulous is not that bad a thing after all. You get so much in return.