Unexplainable.

Sometimes I wish I was just a complex individual, you know? Ideally I'd get angry if my food gets cold, drink too much and then not be able to handle myself, have this weird-ass OCD about how every water bottle in my refrigerator should be filled up to the rim at all times, but then I'd go to sleep with the same amount of anger and frustration every-night, not feel any sort of joy, definitely no form of love and my frustration would grow manifolds in the days to come. The emotions that I would feel would be a specific wavelenght and a spectrum of primary colours only. Life would've been much much easier, Oh! Yes. I would've loved to hate, been perfectly bitchy and not give a rat's ass about hurting people's "emotions". Be Mrs. Havisham, of sorts. A spear headed approach towards life. But sadly, I'm none of this. I'm much more and much less than "complex".

I nurse my wounds until they heal properly, without caring if it'll take years or millenniums. I hate tea but I like smell of it, I love the colour black and worship whites, I can be sitting all teary eyed in front you talking about what I've lost in this life and then appear to be completely love struck in another second when you bring up the topic of what my cutie's been saying. I've lost a lot of things and a lot of experiences in this life and I now feel the need for confirmation of sorts that I have all my material possessions right where I left them,its irrelevant and I'm not going to justify it. People,on the other hand, I've come to realise in the long run, are different, they don't stay where you leave them, they don't necessarily agree with what you say or provide you with any sort of validation that they'll always be there for you, but what I have known is that, if you are lucky,they will respect all you have shared with them and stay. They will listen to you when you're flipping out over nothing at all, trying to soothe you and get you to sleep; on other days they will stay up with you for hours at a stretch and help you be a verbal bulimic because they know it's for the greater good, they will accompany you to a whole string of pharmacies because you can't find that specific ointment that's been prescribed to you and not make a face about it. They will hold your hand when you're getting your vaccinations and then later, take you out for a McDonald's drive-thru,sit in a shady place while you gulp down your food and sing-along with Maroon5 in a hoarse tone, which should be a punishable offence. They'll let you rant away to glory when you're buzzed. They will give you the liberty to misunderstand them and probably shout at them if you have a bad day and you're over-worked and under-appreciated and scorn at your vocabulary from time to time ("What kind of a word is fab? I will disown you they next time you say it!") They will kick-ass with you when you have to and kick your ass when you need it. People, my lovely, become so much more than just flesh and bones or a physical presence. They become a part of your consciousness and they become an idea. They start living with you, through you. And one day you'll find yourself looking back and trying to remember what it was like, when they were not a part of your life.

And I guess that's how I convince myself that being scattered and dangerously nebulous is not that bad a thing after all. You get so much in return.

Things I want.

I’m not really the demanding type; I don’t stand up randomly in a room full of people and start quoting the preamble and demand things that I ‘think’ I’m entitled to. No, I’m not that person. But I do feel like absolute shit sometimes and then I gather myself up and go to my happy place, it’s a mental exercise that I started doing when Remus Lupin taught Harry Potter how to conjure a Patronus charm, it is instantly reminds me of all the things I’m thankful for and All the things that I want out of life. We live in an overly material and technological world. Feelings don’t really mean anything unless you’re sure that the other person will reciprocate. You’re even scared to make friends with people let alone “let your heart sing” in front of them. You’re constantly scared of being judged, scrutinised or patronised. The hypocrites have gotten to you; admit it and I don’t know about you but I ABSOLUTELY hate it. I hate not being able to talk freely or sing even though I sound like a whale under water when I do that because “What will someone say if they hear me?” I hate that people around me have walls and I have with me only a small hammer to break them with. It’s annoying and tiring and completely irrelevant.

 Anyway, enough of the inconspicuous bantering, let’s focus of the things that I want:

•       I want vulnerable people, like me, around me, who find their strengths in their flaws, who know that they’re standing at the edge of the cliff and they’re still a power house.
•          I want to go on random walks with people, talk about  things that matter to me and matter to them, get some ice-cream maybe and not feel judged or alone or like a sociopath who is talking you on a walk through a dark road and forcing ice-cream eating rituals on you. Nope.
•          I want freedom of speech and people, who understand what I’m saying, completely understand it and probably call out on my bullshit if I’m flinging any at them.
•          I want geeks in my life who get the most boring and slow joke that I make (And let me just tell you that I make a lot of them) and probably retort back with something even more pathetic, slow and loser-faced, desperately.
•          I want to not receive crap instead of a nod or a head shake when I tell people that I don’t melt to them ground with cries of “AWWWWWWW” when I see babies or kittens or a dog with 3 legs that can’t walk properly. I respect all beings of this world but I don’t love every one of them. No, this does not classify me as the spawn of Satan, please check your basics.
•          I want people around me to understand some basic concepts like rejection or failure and develop a radical point of view and personal interpretation for these things and not follow the herd. You are a different person; the person you’re dealing with is a different person. Stop being so hard on everyone.
•          I want books to not leave me feeling so shitty and vulnerable that I cry when the Magus finds out that Brida will never realise that she’s his soul mate. (Seriously, why so corny, Paulo? WHY?)
•          I want to associate a little less with every character that I write about because a split personality disorder is not what I’m looking for at the moment, maybe it will be something that I’d like when I’m 80 years old, Oh!What fun!
•          I want people to understand the intensity of my emotions before I end up crying or shouting or doing anything that is physically indicative towards my state of mind. I cut you some slack before you ask for it, don’t stretch it.
•       I want people to respond to what I write the randomest of people. I want you to know that no matter WHO YOU ARE I will always appreciate you telling me that you sometimes feel the same way that I do or add something to it or tell me that I’m over-reacting. To all the judgemental people who’re reading this – Please save your breath and energy, I've already judged myself for this and oh YOU ARE NO LESS.
•          I also almost always want a hug on days like these. Don’t ask me, I will always deny it. Just give me one.